A Bit of a Recap

Ok, so during this last month, I’ve explained how I came to be here, my particular circumstances, various details about my arrival here and a few cultural and social observations from the aspect of a Brit moving solo, lock, stock and barrel, to a non-Anglophone country.

I’ve also used this Grayblogs experiment as a vehicle for a Gray’s-eye view of various chunks of history, literature, politics and whatever and, when I started it and first began to encourage people to read it, there was precious little here to read. I beavered away to make sure that anyone who found it, by design or by accident, would have all sorts of stuff to read and relevant pictures to accompany and, though I say so myself, I’m happy enough with the start I’ve made.

In terms of my own little story relating to my arrival and adaptation, I’ve fast-forwarded up to the night before I moved into my apartment here in Lille but, as you may have seen, I’ve also “butterflied” around in time a bit when the urge has taken me and so you’ve already read about lots of things which have happened over the past year or so. I’ll pick up on the “moving in” stuff when I get around to it but the general plan is to carry on in much the same vein as that in which I’ve started.

There’ll be a gradual evolution in stories about my installation in France until, one day, we’ll arrive at a point where the blog will be very much “in the here and now” as regards life for me in Lille. There’ll always be miscellaneous historical, political or (hopefully) comedic stuff amongst the France stories and I hope you enjoy those elements too. If I ever appear to be “Frog-bashing”, take my word for the fact that it’s only ever done with tongue-in-cheek affection. If I seriously had anything against the real France or the real French, there is no way that I’d have invested my life in the place.

I’ve been made very aware that I need to cover the subject of “women” in my waffling and I’ll do exactly that in the very near future…. (as soon as I’ve worked out how to do it without offending anyone or painting myself in any unfortunate lights!)

A huge “thank you” for the many responses I get (keep them coming) and, of course, if you have any questions you want answered or if you want an exploration of any specific subject, just say the word and I’ll do my best.

Idiocy for Dummies - Volume 2

I'd like to think that idiots would have no cause to read many lines of my blog before bailing out but, in case you know one, here are a few more reminders, for them, of how best to ply their trade. If they find this "of value", please encourage them to have a look at Volume 1 too. Thanks again to the "real" "Books for Dummies" publishers for not suing me for changing their artwork and using their idea!

Tattoos

• A small, crappy drawing which you wouldn’t want on your living room wall for a week is perfectly good enough to have etched into the skin of your arm or arse, where you will then keep it for the rest of your life
• When choosing a tattoo, never imagine yourself as a grandparent, in 30 years’ time, explaining to your grandchild why your neck has a faded picture of Johnny Depp dressed as a pirate on it
• Never imagine that your eventual partner will be perturbed by the fact that you have “Stacey” written on your genitals
• There are places you can go to have your “Free Nelson” tattoo removed

Punctuality

• Always leave the house at 8pm precisely If you are due to meet someone at 8pm
• Never calculate the length of time it will take you to get to where you’re meeting
• As long as you aren’t kept waiting yourself, there’s no problem

Architecture

• When walking across a flimsy bridge or, preferably, a rope bridge, always cause the bridge to shake or sway as much as possible
• Always jump into ornamental pools and fountains or, if the temperature isn’t conducive to getting wet in this way, throw someone else in. At the very least, pretend to be planning to push someone in, traditionally a girl. Otherwise, the water feature serves no purpose
• If you see a building which is clearly unoccupied, it is your obligation to break several windows

Photography

• Always make rabbits’ ears with your fingers behind your friends’ heads
• Never allow yourself to be photographed without an inane expression on your face
• When abroad, always have yourself photographed pointing at road signs for villages with names like “Fart-hol” but don’t forget the inane expression

Emergency Services

• Always consider the police to be the enemy and never feel reassured at their presence
• Always remember that firemen are much more effective at their work whilst being pelted with bricks
• Always call 999 / 911 etc in a crisis. For example, if you want to know whether or not it’s legal to bury a dog in your garden
• If you see, in your rear view mirror, that there’s a large red vehicle behind you with blue lights blazing and you hear a curious wailing sound, brake immediately, blocking its path, so that you can have a think about what “ERIF” means
• Always provide useful training for police divers by spending sunny afternoons drinking Carlsberg near lakes and rivers
• Always provide useful training for Coastguards by reading The Sun on the beach whilst your children dare each other to jump into the sea from higher and higher rocks

Words

• Always swear every fifth word
• Always spend every waking hour using your mobile phone, even if you couldn’t hold a meaningful conversation if your life depended on it.
• If you’re a talentless yob trying to write one of your violently-ranting songs, always complete each pointless line with a word ending in “…ation” as your brain won’t then struggle too much to find something which rhymes for the next pointless line
• If you phone someone and there is no answer, always leave the phone ringing for at least 20 minutes rather than trying again later
• Always describe yourself as being "feisty" if you don't like the phrase "impatient, difficult, ill-tempered, selfish and ignorant"
  

Celebrities & Game shows

• Never recognise that the people in soap operas are actors. If you encounter one of these actors in a shoe shop, always interact with them as though they are the character they play
• Always shout celebrities’ catchphrases at them
• Always assume that a washed-up “singer” must automatically have the brains to address global issues
• When appearing as a contestant on game shows, never consider whether or not you have the knowledge or aptitude to succeed
• Never contemplate the fact that your appearance on the game show, whilst gaining you £150 and a plastic dustbin, will provide an eternal record of your mental capacities, even after your ultimate demise

Toilets

• Always lay a ring of toilet paper on the seat, like your Mum taught you, so as to avoid contracting Ebola etc and always leave this ring of paper in place for the next user of the toilet to attend to
• The word “subway” is a synonym for the word “toilet”
• Never wash your hands after visiting the toilet as there are no germs up your pristine flue
• Always eat the peanuts available in communal bowls on the pub bar

Disputes

• In verbal disputes, always shout as the increased volume will counterbalance the lack of content in your argument and will make you “right” and your opponent “wrong” (unless, of course, your opponent can shout more loudly, in which case, he or she will be “right” and you “wrong”)
• Always involve yourself in disputes on subjects about which you know nothing
• If somebody complains at something you’re doing, deem this to be a success and, where possible, do it even more

Crafts

• Always glue wobbly eyes onto sea shells and refer to yourself as a craftsman
• Always view ethnically-styled craft items as being 7 times more attractive and special than they actually are

Out on the Street

• Always uproot plants which have been installed around the town to make it look more pleasant and scatter them around
• Scattered plants with a decent soily root ball make excellent summer alternatives to snowballs
• Always destroy or deface anything you possibly can
• If you see an attractive shopfront, a sleek train or, in fact, anything without some cretin’s name scribbled or sprayed onto it, always add your own as this will add to the aesthetics and increase the respect you warrant
• If you are devoid of all decorum and culture and mix only with thuggish animals, always exchange handshakes with your friends on the street as people who see this will assume you to be respectable human beings and you will also feel very mature
• If you see someone carrying a pizza, always approach them unexpectedly and, with an up-turned palm, give the impression that you are about to bat the box out of their hands from beneath. They will find this as funny as you do
• If you have access to fireworks, always use them in as dangerous and as pointless a manner as possible, preferably in daylight. Remember – fireworks are not intended to be a simple form of entertainment by bangs and flashes for small children from a distance – they are intended to be antisocial weaponry for you

Maths

• Pi = Steak + kidney + pastry

House Parties

• Never leave a house party without embedding the host’s bread knife into the outer face of the fridge door

Pets

• Always acquire a menacing dog as this increases your status
• Always maltreat your dog as it is one of very few ways in which you can demonstrate any authority over anything or anyone whatsoever throughout your life
• If your puppy craps in your slippers, always rub his face in the excreta (on reflection, it’s just the same set of rules as you use for your children)
• Always assume that your dog will be happy to spend 20 years barking in a coal shed whilst you sell beefburgers. Always look surprised when, eventually, your dog seems happy to have died
• Always keep fish in a tank no more than three times the size of the fish and never imagine yourself having to spend your whole life in a phone box. Your fish are perfectly happy to be your replacement for a television during power cuts.
• Never keep a bird in an environment where it can fully extend its wings. Never imagine yourself having to spend your whole life standing on a toilet seat with your arms strapped to your sides
• Always pick your rabbit up by its ears. They get a real buzz from this

Humour Down the Toilet

You only have to imagine the face of Burt Reynolds to realise, immediately, that notions of what’s funny (and why) are very dependent upon the era and, of course, upon inter-cultural issues. The French still lap up Benny Hill in 2007 but I suspect that the English sense of humour evolved away from Benny about 30 years ago. There’s a “sitcom” here in France called “Vivement Lundi” (as in “Roll on Monday”) in which I couldn’t find any amusement if I’d breathed nothing but nitrous oxide all day and, as for the way in which a show like Blackadder or Little Britain is played on French TV, well you simply wouldn’t believe your shepherds’ pies. My French is just about good enough that I can watch Blackadder in English whilst understanding the French sub-titles simultaneously and it’s totally incredible. If Blackadder punches Baldrick and Baldrick says “Ow!”, the subtitles read “Ouf!” as though it was something which wouldn’t otherwise have been understood.

If Blackadder says to Baldrick “Baldrick, you wouldn't recognise a subtle plan if it painted itself purple and danced naked on a harpsicord singing 'subtle plans are here again’ “, the French sub-titles would say something like. “Baldrick, you’re unfit to teach in a modern comprehensive school environment” and yet, despite all the hurdles, Blackadder is revered over here in the same way as it was (20 years ago) in England. It’s unfathomable, bizarre, inexplicable.

Humour, therefore, seems to affect all people in similar ways but not in the same timeframe and not for the same reasons. I’m trying to sound like I get the picture but I’m lying. I don’t. This inevitable failure on my part led to a resounding “Gray falls on his arse, bemused” moment a few weeks ago.

I’d helped some people to set up a website. It was going to be like an online “message dump”, laid out like the personals in a paper. If you had something, anything, to say, then leave a message on this site and, if the marketing and networking panned out, the intended recipient of your message would inevitably read it the following day. I’d translated some intricate French terms & conditions of use of the site into English and I’d done a bloody good job of it (if I may say so) and I hadn’t charged a penny (or cent) for what I’d done so I felt, fleetingly at least, nicely involved in the project. I wanted it to succeed and I decided that, my being a “wordy” sort, I’d give them a frequent supply of daft/amusing titbits to publish on their site. I’d help them to “pad it out” until their fledgling site had enough “real” subscribers to keep it filled up.

As much as I’m seldom short of something original to say, I chose to turn to an old favourite of mine for an early offering. Something I’d read in a thoroughly British comedy magazine (Viz) many years before but which I’d found so funny that, down the years, it has always raised a quiet smirk on my face whenever it’s shuffled itself back to the front of my thoughts. Obviously, I’d need to translate it into French before submitting it but there was nothing too tough in the translation so off I went.

Remembering that the site is structured like the personal columns or classified ads in a newspaper, what I submitted was a French version of the following.

“Would any of your readers like a Giant Panda cub? I have two Giant Pandas in my apartment and they hump like nobody’s business. I’ve had to dispose of 11 cubs down the toilet these last 6 months.”

Obviously, there’s irony, surrealism, shock value and “the cute and cuddly” factor in this little piece and, personally, I can’t imagine what it would be like to swap my head for a head which didn’t understand these layers and, therefore, didn’t find it funny but, between cultural differences and political correctness, it appeared on the site as…..

“I have two Giant Pandas in my apartment and they never stop making love”.

It’s the equivalent of giving someone an empty chocolate box. You can still smell that there was once something there but all of the important content has been removed, leaving the gift utterly pointless.

Needless to say, I didn’t submit anything else to the site after that and it was around that time that I decided to start this blog. Like many people who enjoy writing, I choose my words very carefully and I resent having what I write tampered with by others, especially if they clearly don’t understand what they’re reading.

Out on a Limb?

That first evening in France felt pretty strange. I was transient, in between an existence I’d grown to accept as being normality and a future with no certainty attached to it at all. On the other hand, I’d spent 2 ½ months living like a 38-year-old, intrusive “beach bum” in Tenerife (pictured from the only attractive angle and distance for such an ugly place) only six years before so the thoughts of Costa Del Silencio came in very handy in contextualising my current situation in Lille. Lille was always going to be much more structured. Compared with the manner in which I found myself living in Tenerife in 2000, there would probably never be a more "tramp-like" or shitty episode in store for me.

In Tenerife, I’d lived like I had a 100% death wish. I was writing a book at the time and that book became my raison d’être for all the time I was there. I’d use the writing as a tool. A weapon. A vehicle to allow me to see things I’d never otherwise have been shown. I’d sit in known mafia bars and I’d write, as I do, incessantly scribbling on a large pad until, inevitably, some shady-looking lump would come over and ask me “what the fuck I thought I was doing”. When I’m on good form (or when I think my throat might be about to be cut) I suddenly exhibit skills in the spoken word which are usually beneath the surface. The result of these provocations was always free drinks for Gray for the night and “glasses raised to our new English (nutcase) friend”. I seduced them with my bullshit and, let’s face it, nobody but a harmless idiot would sit writing about his observations in mafia bars. Would they?

Out on the streets, I deliberately goaded and irritated the pimps in the later hours of the evenings. Why? Because I hate everything about someone who makes “their living” in a way like that. How did I goad them? Sometimes I’d go and chat to the whores (mainly exploited Senegalese) and I’d spend half an hour rationally explaining to them the truths of their situations and futures. Truths which, strangely, their employers had neglected to mention to them during the interview. Inevitably, there would eventually be some little shit on a moped who would show up and tell me to “move on” in a threatening manner. I inevitably told him to go and screw himself. (Like I said, I was living as though I had a death wish – 2 days before I’d arrived on the island, some bar owner was dying in a lake of blood on his own terrace one night and the police “knew nothing about it" in the morning. Clearly, forensic science hadn’t island-hopped that far yet. Nice place) In fact, I was told, in no uncertain terms, that, if I didn’t move away and let the girls “do their work”, I would be in serious danger. I never did what they told me to do. I always just laughed at them, told them where to go and carried on talking to these poor, thick whores up to the point at which they were put into cars and taken somewhere else.

The pimps never did any more than to threaten me. They never touched me. I found this very strange but, as I’ll maybe tell you another time, I had my suspicions as to why I was treated in that way. Those suspicions proved to be right and their conclusions about me came in extremely handy a little further down the line.

Anyway, you don’t want to know all that nonsense. You just wanted to know that I didn’t feel too “out on a limb” during that first evening In Lille.

Well, I imagine that you now suspect that I didn’t feel too “out on a limb” at all ;o) I was in a nice apartment for the night and, the following day, I’d be moving into my own nice apartment…..

Idiocy for Dummies - Volume 1

I hope the Dummies people don't mind my having doctored their artwork as a vehicle for displaying a few daft notions of mine on the subject of idiocy! Being an idiot is easy enough but, by definition, an idiot might not always realise or remember how to do it so I thought I'd cook up a few reminders ;o)

Staircases & Escalators

• Always walk at least two abreast with your friends or family on staircases and look surprised when someone coming in the other direction expects you to allow them to pass.
• Always stop and have lengthy conversations on staircases and half-landings and always look surprised when people look at you in an irritated manner.
• On reaching the top or bottom of an escalator, always step off and stand still for several seconds as the people behind you can easily walk backwards on the escalator for a while to hold their position whilst you remember who you are and where you want to go.
• Always take the lift to descend by one storey, even if you need to wait for 10 minutes for the lift to arrive and always look surprised when you can no longer get your arse into the jeans you bought six weeks ago.

Queues

• Never face in the direction the queue is headed towards.
• Never keep up with the movement of the queue.
• Always assume that everyone behind you is in agreement with your permitting your friends to join you at the front of the queue.
• Always give the impression that waiting in the queue is more of a hardship for you than it is for everyone else.

Pavements

• When walking hand in hand with your partner, always look surprised if you are required to separate momentarily to allow someone to pass in the opposite direction without their having to step onto the road and get mown down by an onion seller on a bike.
• Never walk in a straight line.
• Always stop unexpectedly and never give the impression of knowing where you’re going.
• When exiting a shop, never check to see if someone is coming along the pavement and always stand still, central to the pavement, looking back into the shop to see where your grandmother is.
• Pause frequently to look at rooftops.
• If you meet someone you know, always ensure that the whole group of you occupy the entire width of the pavement during the following 20 minutes’ hilarious conversation.

Shopping

• Always spend 20 minutes driving around near the shop entrance so that you can save 25 seconds’ walking time by parking close to the shop.
• Always take 4 generations of your family with you into the supermarket.
• Never prevent your children from annoying or getting in the way of other shoppers.
• Never prevent your children from tampering with products.
• Always leave your trolley and prams central to the aisle, ensuring that the gap at either side is less than the width of a person.
• Always eat things in the supermarket which don’t yet belong to you and hand the half-eaten product in its wrapper to the cashier.
• Always wheel your trolley to a “baskets only” check-out.
• Always ensure that every member of your family stands in the queue and passes through the check-out, even though only one of you needs to.
• Never expect to be asked for money at the check-out – always wait until the cashier has stated the amount payable before attempting to find your purse or wallet.
• Never check in advance to see how much cash you have with you. This way, you can muse over whether or not to pay by cash or card whilst the cashier watches you.
• Always bring with you as many “10 cents off” coupons as you can cut out from your magazines but never have them ready to present to the cashier and never check that they’re actually valid against what you’ve put in your trolley or are not date-expired.
• Always make a fuss over the slightest discrepancy in pricing, even if it represents less than one tenth of one percent of the overall bill.
• If, during the check-out process, you realise that you’ve forgotten the spaghetti sauce, never decide to get it later or eat something else – always push your way backwards through the queue, go back into the store and spend 10 minutes deciding which brand and flavour to choose, leaving the check-out paralysed. Never apologise on your return to the check-out.
• Never allow the rest of your family to pack the shopping into bags with or for you. Always do this on your own before considering the payment issues.
• Always stop in the exit foyer or, preferably, within the large rotating door for a family meeting and to re-pack all of your shopping.
• Always take your children with you into DIY shops.

Banks & Post Offices

• If you are retired or otherwise not working, always visit the bank or post office between noon and 2pm when many working people will need to visit them during their lunch breaks.
• During this two-hour period, always ensure that you have at least ten different transactions to make and never ensure that you know in advance what you want to achieve in any respect.
• After receiving money from a cash dispenser, always remain in front of the cash dispenser whilst you check the statement, count your money, put it into your wallet and decide what to spend it on – if the statement or cash is incorrect, the fact that you found out whilst still standing in front of the screen will make all the difference and nobody behind you needs to use the machine.

Bars

• Always ensure that your whole group waits at the bar so that the bar staff can’t tell who needs to be served and who is already catered for.
• Always wave bank notes at the bar staff to attract their attention. They love that.
• If you smoke, always smoke in non-smoking areas.
• Always light a cigarette when someone at your table is still eating.
• If you don’t smoke, always sit in smoking areas and make exaggerated coughing noises.

Public Transport

• Always make other passengers’ journeys as uncomfortable as possible.
• Always block the aisles with bags or children.
• When booking a ticket for a journey you wish to make in a couple of weeks’ time, always do this during the morning rush hour and never research your options in advance.
• When alighting, always stand still as soon as you step off the train or bus as nobody behind you needs to get off.
• When entering a plane, always fart about with coats and overhead lockers for five minutes before sitting down as opposed to sitting down immediately, letting everyone else get past you to their seats and then getting up and farting about with coats and overhead lockers for as long as you like.
• Never assume that rules like not using your mobile phone and not standing up during take-off apply to you as well as the other passengers.
• Always treat the cabin crew (or anyone else who ever serves you anything throughout your life) like dirt.
• Always flop into your seat as heavily as possible so as to avoid any chance that my beer won’t be knocked off the little table on the back of your seat and into my fucking lap.
• When your plane lands and taxis to a halt, always stand up immediately, put your coat on, pick up your hand luggage and wonder why the stairs outside weren’t just left attached to the plane door during the flight.

Television

• Never watch any educational programmes.
• Never leave the television tuned to any one station for longer than 11 seconds.
• Always phone in to answer the quiz question. (The answer is B, “a stethoscope”)

Music

• Always play music loudly enough to annoy other people.
• Always ensure that the music you play too loudly is crap, normally the work of some talentless yob, ranting violently about nothing of any importance over a no-brain backing track.

Art

• Never admit to knowing anything about art, including the names of any artists.

Hospitals

• Always visit the Emergency department if you so much as sneeze.
• Always verbally or physically abuse the nurses and doctors who are trying to help you.
• Always assume that you know more than the doctor’s decades of study and experience have taught her/him.
• Always limp, whatever your ailment.
• Always insist on plenty of pills to take, whether you need them or not, as your family and friends will be very impressed at the implied seriousness of your condition.
• Never complain that people from elsewhere are exploiting the medical insurance you’ve paid for all your life.
• Never complain that diseases eradicated from civilised countries decades ago are now being imported right back in again.

Fatness

• Always say that it’s “glandular” or “water-retention” (but beware as these words can be difficult to say whilst eating a particularly sugary doughnut).
• Once you get significantly obese, have yourself pushed around in a wheelchair as this will have a noticeable effect upon your intake to activity ratio.
• If you are a hideously fat woman, always grow your hair long and wear lots of eye make-up. People won’t notice that you’re fat any more and will see you as being very attractive.

Food

• Always say that you don’t like various foods, even when you’ve never tried them.
• Always use phrases like “I don’t like fish”, as all fish are clearly identical to one another in taste and texture.
• Always use the phrase “I can’t cook” in place of the phrase “I’m too stupid to understand how to mix different things together in a bowl”.
• Never hold a knife and fork properly.
• At buffets, always fail to eat half of the food you chose to put on your own plate.

Roads

• Insufficient space and time to add details on this subject.

Sport

• Always consider sport to be more important than anything else.
• Always invent a cretinous name for every imaginable eventuality in your given sport like “the play-the-ball” in rugby league and, for example, “mauls” as opposed to “rucks” in rugby union.
• When supporting football, always sing in the deepest voice you can muster as this makes you seem to be very manly.

Society & Politics

• Never do anything to add to society – always take as much as possible.
• Never vote for anyone who would apply common sense to the needs of the country.
• Always view politics as “not something which you’re interested in”.
• Always give the impression that you support the idea of democracy and then start crying if lots of people decide to vote for a party they’re “not supposed to”.
• Never complain that there are too many people.

History

• Always consider history as being boring and irrelevant.
• Never learn any lessons from the events of the past, even when the parallels and warnings are glaringly obvious.

Schools

• Never ensure that your child understands why he or she goes to school.
• Never involve yourself in your child’s studies and progress.
• Always say that it’s good to mix children of very different capabilities in schools.
• Always blame the teachers if your child never learns anything.
• Never complain that your child is often taught illogical nonsense.
• Always find new behavioural “disorders” from which to say your child must be suffering so as to avoid facing the truth.

Environment

• Always drop litter and, if you see litter that someone else has dropped, always kick it.
• Always drive to the bottle bank, even though what you save, in environmental terms, will be less than the impact of your car journey.
• Always spit every 6 minutes.
• If the temperature is less than 20°C, always complain that it’s too cold.
• If the temperature is 21°C or more, always complain that it’s too hot.
• Never accept that overpopulation is behind all the environmental problems we face.

Religion

• See roads

Jobs & Offices

• Always base your opinions of someone on their job title as opposed to who they are, how they conduct themselves or what they can do.
• Always dress sharply as it will make people believe that you can think sharply.
• Always advocate the purchase of cheap stationery when claiming things are “tight” but never make any significant economies.

Fashion

• Always wear what other people say you ought to wear, irrespective of how stupid or impractical it might be
• Always pay six times as much for your clothes as you need to as long as other people will be impressed.