Idiocy for Dummies - Volume 2

I'd like to think that idiots would have no cause to read many lines of my blog before bailing out but, in case you know one, here are a few more reminders, for them, of how best to ply their trade. If they find this "of value", please encourage them to have a look at Volume 1 too. Thanks again to the "real" "Books for Dummies" publishers for not suing me for changing their artwork and using their idea!

Tattoos

• A small, crappy drawing which you wouldn’t want on your living room wall for a week is perfectly good enough to have etched into the skin of your arm or arse, where you will then keep it for the rest of your life
• When choosing a tattoo, never imagine yourself as a grandparent, in 30 years’ time, explaining to your grandchild why your neck has a faded picture of Johnny Depp dressed as a pirate on it
• Never imagine that your eventual partner will be perturbed by the fact that you have “Stacey” written on your genitals
• There are places you can go to have your “Free Nelson” tattoo removed

Punctuality

• Always leave the house at 8pm precisely If you are due to meet someone at 8pm
• Never calculate the length of time it will take you to get to where you’re meeting
• As long as you aren’t kept waiting yourself, there’s no problem

Architecture

• When walking across a flimsy bridge or, preferably, a rope bridge, always cause the bridge to shake or sway as much as possible
• Always jump into ornamental pools and fountains or, if the temperature isn’t conducive to getting wet in this way, throw someone else in. At the very least, pretend to be planning to push someone in, traditionally a girl. Otherwise, the water feature serves no purpose
• If you see a building which is clearly unoccupied, it is your obligation to break several windows

Photography

• Always make rabbits’ ears with your fingers behind your friends’ heads
• Never allow yourself to be photographed without an inane expression on your face
• When abroad, always have yourself photographed pointing at road signs for villages with names like “Fart-hol” but don’t forget the inane expression

Emergency Services

• Always consider the police to be the enemy and never feel reassured at their presence
• Always remember that firemen are much more effective at their work whilst being pelted with bricks
• Always call 999 / 911 etc in a crisis. For example, if you want to know whether or not it’s legal to bury a dog in your garden
• If you see, in your rear view mirror, that there’s a large red vehicle behind you with blue lights blazing and you hear a curious wailing sound, brake immediately, blocking its path, so that you can have a think about what “ERIF” means
• Always provide useful training for police divers by spending sunny afternoons drinking Carlsberg near lakes and rivers
• Always provide useful training for Coastguards by reading The Sun on the beach whilst your children dare each other to jump into the sea from higher and higher rocks

Words

• Always swear every fifth word
• Always spend every waking hour using your mobile phone, even if you couldn’t hold a meaningful conversation if your life depended on it.
• If you’re a talentless yob trying to write one of your violently-ranting songs, always complete each pointless line with a word ending in “…ation” as your brain won’t then struggle too much to find something which rhymes for the next pointless line
• If you phone someone and there is no answer, always leave the phone ringing for at least 20 minutes rather than trying again later
• Always describe yourself as being "feisty" if you don't like the phrase "impatient, difficult, ill-tempered, selfish and ignorant"
  

Celebrities & Game shows

• Never recognise that the people in soap operas are actors. If you encounter one of these actors in a shoe shop, always interact with them as though they are the character they play
• Always shout celebrities’ catchphrases at them
• Always assume that a washed-up “singer” must automatically have the brains to address global issues
• When appearing as a contestant on game shows, never consider whether or not you have the knowledge or aptitude to succeed
• Never contemplate the fact that your appearance on the game show, whilst gaining you £150 and a plastic dustbin, will provide an eternal record of your mental capacities, even after your ultimate demise

Toilets

• Always lay a ring of toilet paper on the seat, like your Mum taught you, so as to avoid contracting Ebola etc and always leave this ring of paper in place for the next user of the toilet to attend to
• The word “subway” is a synonym for the word “toilet”
• Never wash your hands after visiting the toilet as there are no germs up your pristine flue
• Always eat the peanuts available in communal bowls on the pub bar

Disputes

• In verbal disputes, always shout as the increased volume will counterbalance the lack of content in your argument and will make you “right” and your opponent “wrong” (unless, of course, your opponent can shout more loudly, in which case, he or she will be “right” and you “wrong”)
• Always involve yourself in disputes on subjects about which you know nothing
• If somebody complains at something you’re doing, deem this to be a success and, where possible, do it even more

Crafts

• Always glue wobbly eyes onto sea shells and refer to yourself as a craftsman
• Always view ethnically-styled craft items as being 7 times more attractive and special than they actually are

Out on the Street

• Always uproot plants which have been installed around the town to make it look more pleasant and scatter them around
• Scattered plants with a decent soily root ball make excellent summer alternatives to snowballs
• Always destroy or deface anything you possibly can
• If you see an attractive shopfront, a sleek train or, in fact, anything without some cretin’s name scribbled or sprayed onto it, always add your own as this will add to the aesthetics and increase the respect you warrant
• If you are devoid of all decorum and culture and mix only with thuggish animals, always exchange handshakes with your friends on the street as people who see this will assume you to be respectable human beings and you will also feel very mature
• If you see someone carrying a pizza, always approach them unexpectedly and, with an up-turned palm, give the impression that you are about to bat the box out of their hands from beneath. They will find this as funny as you do
• If you have access to fireworks, always use them in as dangerous and as pointless a manner as possible, preferably in daylight. Remember – fireworks are not intended to be a simple form of entertainment by bangs and flashes for small children from a distance – they are intended to be antisocial weaponry for you

Maths

• Pi = Steak + kidney + pastry

House Parties

• Never leave a house party without embedding the host’s bread knife into the outer face of the fridge door

Pets

• Always acquire a menacing dog as this increases your status
• Always maltreat your dog as it is one of very few ways in which you can demonstrate any authority over anything or anyone whatsoever throughout your life
• If your puppy craps in your slippers, always rub his face in the excreta (on reflection, it’s just the same set of rules as you use for your children)
• Always assume that your dog will be happy to spend 20 years barking in a coal shed whilst you sell beefburgers. Always look surprised when, eventually, your dog seems happy to have died
• Always keep fish in a tank no more than three times the size of the fish and never imagine yourself having to spend your whole life in a phone box. Your fish are perfectly happy to be your replacement for a television during power cuts.
• Never keep a bird in an environment where it can fully extend its wings. Never imagine yourself having to spend your whole life standing on a toilet seat with your arms strapped to your sides
• Always pick your rabbit up by its ears. They get a real buzz from this